iblog

Virgil: How many times have you been assaulted by some geek or geeky advert saying “Get Firefox! It’s better than Internet Explorer, faster, safer, and it’s standard’s compliant!” (Just so you know, Firefox is a web browser published by a non-Microsoft company.) Likewise, how many times have you heard a similar line deriding Windows? “Run Linux, it’s cheaper, more stable, and more secure!” or “Mac OS is smoother, faster, and more user-friendly!”

If these “alternatives” were really so good, why are they not as popular as the Windows variants? I remember when I first came across the Get Firefox campaign. I thought, wow, I’ve been blissfully unaware, but I’m joining the revolution! I downloaded it and had loads of fun. But then I realised that the product was slower and had less features (possibly because they don’t have the cash Microsoft have), and was incompatible with everything else I was using.

I recently got a new PC with Windows Vista pre-installed, and I think it’s fantastic. It’s pretty, user-friendly, organised, neat, fast, responsive… I could go on. What on earth could be so bad about it that people the net wide have to label it “crippleware” that can barely keep up with the competition? For all I care, the ridiculously-named Ubuntu can support the MegaRidiculous WhoCares Standard v7.3 all it likes, my Windows does the job perfectly well and doesn’t need geeky campaigns to attest its worth.

Alex: The stupidity of standing outside a branch of Sainsburys to waiting for a supposedly environmentally sound bag is shown as being even more stupid than it is already. Not only does the bag not use conventional cotton, a material that causes large scale environmental damage in its production, but also they were more than likely made under conditions where workers are denied access to their basic rights, including the right to unionise, and are paid very little. The idea that any person will use their designer bag to carry actual shopping is almost as stupid as all these stupidities put together. Rather they will more likely just use the bag as well as plastic ones, thus defeating the object. If you didn’t manage to get hold of one, don’t worry. You can pay some tout a huge steaming wad of cash on Ebay and the charities will never see a penny.

This does not compare to the disgust I feel that May 1st, International Workers Day, is now associated only with going out to shops to buy clothing lines endorsed by dangerously thin, cocaine stuffed, Doherty-dating super-models. The range is basically precisely the same tat regularly sold at Topshop, but with an inflated price tag. Sigh.

Rushda: I’d like to think I’m at least a little clued up about fashion, but I’ve never ever understood the mentality behind camping outside shops at ridiculously hours to be the first to grab hold of new clothing. If it’s a sale and there’s not much to go round, sure, if early buyers will get better deals, that’s fine too. But why queue up forever in the freezing cold just to simply buy it first. As Lottie pointed out a while back about shoppers rioting in a new Primark, it was not as if the customers were actually gaining anything from getting such budget clothing early anyway. And now, the next thing in line is Topshop’s new Kate Moss collection which will hit the streets on 1st May. Topshop is already taking various steps to prevent crowd control problems by allowing shoppers to buy online from 4.30am on the day. I really don’t get the excitement over buying it early. I mean, surely any attempt at being unique in owning the first pieces will be clouded by the fact that only a few days later hundreds of other young women will be seen wearing the same thing.

Virgil: We all know why shops price things with 99 pences at the end. It’s certainly not to make the price £1 more whilst appearing £1 less - oh no - I’m sure they do it purposely so that we get an annoying amount of change: 1p. What on earth do you do with a penny? When’s the last time you used anything copper anyway? It’s almost bad etiquette…

Personally, when I’m at home, I store up all my small change in a little pot - it’s quite fun counting it all out at the end and adding about £26 to your bank - because that’s the amount it tends to total to once it’s all gathered up.

Had this same principle been applied nationally, it has been revealed, no less than £26 million would have been saved since 1971. Or to put it another way, the streets of Britain have seen enough discarded pennies to total that amount of cash. So next time you sneer at your little coppers, just remember that there’s a fortune spread out beneath your feet.

Alex: The Scotsman reports that one in ten relationships are held together by Post-it notes. The ubiquitous yellow helper ensures your other half is aware of their milk collection or bin removal duties, relieving you on the inconvenience of face-to-face contact, particularly when said face is cracking the clean-the-bathroom whip. “I suspect men would possibly be more likely to write notes that are matter of fact, where the best a woman could expect to get in terms of endearment is ‘hope you’re ok’. But I think a woman would be more inclined to be chattier and attempt more intimacy” muses Dr Cynthia McVey, in a vaguely misandrist mode. Perhaps, good doctor, that is because Post-it notes are not a discourse open to labyrinthine digressions into the myriad complexities of how one is feeling, but are better suited to “Pick kids up from pool”.

Carrie Bradshaw, of vacuous consumerist fable Sex and The City, was once chucked by her boyfriend via the graceful medium of the Post-it. New York, New York so good they Post-Ited it once, scrawled a follow-up message, scribbled down an angry phone number, installed another Post-it in a different colour roughly on top and added a snarky message written in four-foot thick blue biro. I couldn’t help but wonder: are journalists careers saved by browsing through the day to day hubbub of spurious scientific research (yes, me too)? I couldn’t help but wonder: is Sex and the The City seriously scientifically flawed? (I did write this post over a steaming powerbook, glancing whistfully out of my window at a moonlit central park, Marlboro Light in hand)

When not saving your relationships from wallowing in an distinctly unsexy chore pit or discretely disposing of your sex columnist girlfriend, Post-it notes can eek out an existence performing more mundane tasks. As well as giving students a helping hand, allowing you to zip through library books, you can also attach them securely to your arm in Robocop-gone-Staples ‘task nagger’. Well, actually, I’d rather while away my work hours constructing a meticulously implemented Post-it mosaic of Elvis Aaron Presley. Or drawing crude and likely semi-obscene cartoons on big stacks and flicking them past, pretending I am Walt ‘freakin'’ Disney. I’m fine…..Okay?

Caroline: We seem to be developing a real anti-Tesco culture in this country and even their computer voucher scheme has come in for criticism recently with an article in the Times last week quoting a head as saying that it was just PR. Under the scheme, shoppers get one voucher for every £10 spent in the store. It turns out that to get a computer which costs £681 online, you need £379,000 worth of vouchers. Well OK that sounds a lot but with all the parents doing their bit it doesn’t seem so daunting. The article went on to point out that Tesco makes profits of £4800 a minute - well even with my rotten maths I can see that that equates to a lot of takings per minute which in turn means a lot of computers being given away. Maybe we should just be grateful - last year the store gave away £11.6 million in equipment to schools.

Rushda: Have you ever seen the TV show Dragons’ Den? It’s a surprisingly fun program to watch and consists of budding entrepreneurs trying to show off their inventions to millionnaire judges (”dragons”) in the hope of securing investment. Some ideas do win the hearts of the dragons and end up being successful but many are sneered at and practically shooed out of the studio.

It’s encouraging to see such inventions that did get laughed at actually do very well. One recent example is that of a plastic device named STABLEtable, designed to sort out the problem of wobbly table legs. The experts branded it “the most ridiculous idea” ever seen but Andrew Gordon, the proud inventor, didn’t give up and he is well on his way to making his first £1 million, having sold thousands with clients even including Kensington Palace. Goes to show that the dragons’ word isn’t law and they really aren’t as hot as they think.

Virgil: We’ve all seen those annoying quiz shows - with an inhumanly gregarious presenter and a cameraman who appears to have ants in his pants, bright moving colours in the background, and an overlay of the question plus some kind of ticker until the next person calls in for a charge of £1. A lot of the time I feel compelled to call in just to shut the presenter up! But I’m glad I never have.

Not only do you have questions that are impossible to answer - being more like a joke than a quiz - ITV has recently been accused of simply cashing in on 10,000 of the calls and then completely ignoring them! The people at the other end won’t know of course - they understand it’s down to luck whether they get through, or whether they are selected to answer. But somewhere along the line something became suspicious when 10,000 correct answers were not entered into the prize draw they were promised.

Frankly, I’m not surprised. These quiz shows are blatant money-grabbers with no sense of a fair game, concocted by media experts who know exactly how to extort the public - as if they’d be “giving away money”! I’m glad I’ve always been able to see through the gimicks.

Matthew: I went to the cinema last night, and one of the adverts played before the film was the latest attempt by Shell to convince us of there warm and cuddly green credentials. It followed the life of a stubbled, tousle haired Dutch engineer who was inspired to design a new drill by his gloomy, greasy haired teenage son. The advert climaxed with the son scoring the winning goal in a school football match and the engineer father cheering proudly from the sidelines. Shell (along with their peer BP) have spent millions rebranding their businesses sustainable and environmentally aware. But are we convinced? Sarcastic laughter greeted the end of the advert last night, indicating that most people recognise this campaign for what it is, little more than a rebranding exercise. Big oil companies will have to do more than film a few heartwarming adverts to change the public’s perception of their business.

Virgil: Israel is home to many holy sites where pilgrims flock to year by year so that they can offer their prayers to God within the sacred place itself. However, whilst to many believers this sounds like a deeply moving experience (and something they definitely want to do), not everyone can afford the time or money to actually make it to the place.

Therefore, a new Israeli company has set up a website and service where pilgrims from across the globe can have their prayers relayed to the holy sites. There are various methods on offer: for the higher-paying customers, their prayer can be recorded, and relayed to a loudspeaker within the confines of the sacred ground, or for people who choose economy-class, they can send a text or an email, and have it read aloud for them (by Microsoft Sam?).

As an atheist myself, I’m biased to find this ridiculous from the start, but I was nevertheless startled to hear that many religious people find this a fantastic new idea. What I’m still wondering about myself is why God seems to exist more in certain places than others, whilst simultaneously being omnipresent.